Furry Sonic Controllers Review – What It’s Like To Play With Xbox Furry Sonic the Hedgehog Controllers
The Esquire Gamer area is a safe space. So let’s talk. Pop culture has Sonic fever right now, with the recent debut of sonic the hedgehog 2 in theatres. An irresistible need to go fast, to collect rings and to style our mustaches like Doctor Eggman. But for us gamers, those who have supported Sonic all these years through thick and thin, what can we do to truly show him our love?
We can, of course, win some Sonic-themed furry Xbox controllers. Yes, it’s a real thing. Microsoft has partnered with Sonic take a look to create a Xbox Series S with a classic gold ring around the fan and a decal of Sonic and Knuckles taking it from the new movie. It’s all neatly wrapped in a ring containing the star of the show: the mammal checkers. Red for the Knuckles echidna and blue for our favorite hedgehog, Sonic. The controllers are only hairy on the front, but rest assured that’s still a lot of fur. Unfortunately, you can’t buy these bad boys. You’ll have to count your lucky rings and hope the hedgehog gods smile at you as you enter the official Xbox giveaway to win the kit here.
But is it practical to play with these shagged contraptions, or is it pure gimmick? I decided to discover and review my favorite titles with Sonic furry controllers. Let’s find out how they resist a player’s life.
Chapter One: Dive to the Heart
First of all. I booted up the Xbox and went through my library to decide where to land. Now, at the risk of receiving many Xbox is better! answers, I’m normally a PlayStation and Nintendo gamer. Just the way I grew up. I still love Xbox. That’s all to say, sometimes I need to look at the buttons. This is where we encounter what will be a theme here. The fur covers the buttons and I get confused. Don’t attack me, cause it was hard to admit, and I can still pit you 1v1 in any game, furry checks or not, you’re a pwn, so be careful. Anyway. Navigating the menu was a bit tricky. I decided to start with a game I grew up playing, hoping it would help me get used to controllers: Kingdom Hearts. That’s when I realized the second problem with controllers. The controllers encounter some resistance (you know, hair), which makes it a bit difficult to engage the controls. I realized that I needed to take a step back and be one with Sonic. The answer became clear.
Kingdom Hearts: 6/10
Chapter Two: Life and Art
Turns out the problem was that I wasn’t letting the controllers, which are art, to be clear – find their souls. So we took a trip together to Sonic and Knuckles, another game I grew up with. Immediately, I felt a surge of power, like a chaos emerald hitting just right. I was powerful and these were my tools. I could go fast, climb walls and much more. Of course, this didn’t change the build of the controller, but that clearly wasn’t the issue in the first place. I was in tune with the retro runner and the blue blur was in tune with me. I held Sonic in my hand and he loved it.
(Editor’s note: Esquire is not the place to find this kind of writing. You can look literally anywhere else.)
Sonic and Knuckles: 11/10
Chapter Three: The Original Sin (Tea Time)
Now, this wouldn’t be a complete hardware review without a few tidbits for gamers. Doritos and pizza – the fuel we need to wipe out noobs. Now I eat pretty healthy, so I’m not going to lie to you. It was more of an excuse to eat pizza as an occupational hazard, but I did it for you gamers.
Stop reading here if you want to stay the same.
These controllers are not conducive to snack time. Dorito dust and pizza grease live in the fur. I killed them. With my snacks.
Sonic and Knuckles were dying.
I was their killer.
Gamer Snack Sesh: 0/10
Chapter 4: The Sea of Red
After my fuzzy controllers went through hell, I decided to go back to the sea. My home, my place and my family: sea of thieves. While the majority of my haired reading sea of thieves was awesome, I had what might be the unluckiest race of my life as a pirate. A large Skeleton ship, a Kraken, and a Reaper ship all trying to fill my little sloop with treasure. Screaming, screaming, begging a friend to come help me, I killed the Kraken, sank the Reaper ship, and yes, passed the Ghost ship. I had – no, we had done it. Sonic and Knuckles were my crew and I was their captain. Together we defeated the sea of thieves.
Until the balance sheet. As I got away from danger, my ship was in poor condition. Even though I was out of wood, I tried to rush to an outpost. I got very close, and then boom! Another player’s ship came and put the only nail in the coffin. Not only kill me, Sonic and Knuckles, but kill a dream. A dream that, despite all the odds, could still make a pro gamer a carpeted controller.
To you, whoever you are: I hope you know what you’ve done, and the progress you’ve killed.
sea of thieves: 7/10
Chapter Five: The Void
What happened during those few days is difficult to explain. I’m not even sure a book deal would give me enough words to show you what happened. There are secrets hidden in these controllers and I’ve only just begun to uncover them.
Do I recommend a furry controller? Yes. Well, you can’t eat with them, they make the game harder, and they’re extremely hot. But yes, yes I do. Whether you need a challenge or a friend, these furry techs are the one playmate that gave me both. Godspeed Sonic and godfury Knuckles. I will see you soon in the Realm of Chaos, my friends.
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